Random thoughts of sorrow

Sorrow makes his way in once again, the more I try to escape, to hide, to ignore the fastest it approaches with his long claws penetrating deep into my soul, tearing apart hopes and desires.

Colours have fade away, no rainbows or sun fill in the blue sky, only clouds and rain are left, nothing else remains, no happiness, no love, no brightness, no life.

Help will never arrive, it’s impossible to save someone who has been buried so deep into the ground, hopes are gone, no more waiting, just death.

Ignored, avoided, left behind… Loneliness is my only companion, the only true friend who will forever remain by my side.

I don’t know what the others see on me, but I’m sure it’s nothing good, nobody ever approaches me, smiles at me, sits beside me… What is that that I have that people only want to stay away?

Unloved and unwanted. I was meant to remain alone for the rest of my days with no one to hug me, to caress my skin, to speak kind words to my ear. No, none of that was meant for me… Sadness, loneliness and sorrow on the other hand were made to fill the broken pieces of my heart, making me feel regret and resignation.

Is there a place for people like me???

I need a guide, a guardian angel who help me find the way back into happiness, someone who protect me from the darkness.

It's ridiculous but it's real

If only life was easy and we were able to decide what to feel and when to feel it... If only, yes life is full with if only premises and what they leave us, nothing but sorrow and broken hearts.

And then I start to dream an entire life of fantasy with you, about how great would it be to be with you, even though it will never happen and by doing so I just hurt myself even more, I end up broken and hopeless. The worst part is that I know it will never happen but still I manage to fool myself and my mind, I start to dream, to believe... and later on all ends in tears.

And then when you analyse the whole situation you realize how crazy it was, how ridiculous, how could you even think that you had a chance, it was impossible and still you insisted on it, yes it was ridiculous but it was real, all that you felt it was real and so it is your suffering at the moment. And you realize that you have to stop blaming yourself, it wasn't your fault, you didn't want that to happen, you didn't decide what to feel and for whom, it was your stupid and foolish heart who drag you into this situation. And now every time you remember his face, his name, every time you see something that remind you of him it all comes back, all the suffering, all your stupid day-dreaming and it's in your head all over again, and you wonder why can't you forget him, WHY LORD, WHY?

Do I have an answer to that? NO, I don't think anyone does have an answer to that. It's a mystery. One of the many mysteries in this life.

But you know if we relax and let things flow they way they are meant to, maybe it will get easier. There will always be one sad (or tons) of stories where you end up with your heart broken, and the sad part is that nothing that serious even happen, but all relationships are complicated and so are human beings so things won't get easier hahaha, sorry now that was sarcastic and a bit cruel! If I don't laugh about my own pathetic little life then who will, I must try to make the best out of it. We'll see what happen and if things don't change soon then you now where to find me, just walk straight to the path of sorrow, turn left to sadness' street and on the corner you will find the heart broken tavern, yes I'll drink up all my problems. See you there, eventually you will be there :P

Everybody's gotta learn sometimes

Always wanting what I can have... Will I ever learn?  Apparently I've come to this world to live in pain and to die with great sorrow, how incredibly ridiculous would it be that someday I could actually be happy, but no that's not for me.
And yet, I'm so stubborn that I can't manage to fix that idea into my mind, I'm always waiting for something  miraculous to happen to me, but of course that's so silly, miracles DON'T exist, not in my world.

There are many things I have yet to learn but I like to live in a fantasy world and refuse to accept all those ideas, I refuse to accept reality. And that's how you end up being even more miserable, because you are waiting for something magnificent event to occur and change your life completely. I should wake up and realize that it will never happen, and even though everybody seems to agree about not being the right time for things to come my way, I know the truth, I know I'll end up alone and unhappy, but basically ALONE.

Apparently nobody notices me and not only that, nobody likes me, nobody feels aroused by my presence, nobody will ever love me, and I guess that's the way life works, some people get many lovers, many relationships and others, like me, get nothing, no love, not a single proof of affection, not even a proof of sympathy.

I'm sure that Destiny is having a blast right now, with my suffering, with my misery... Well I have nothing else to do, I don't want to be here for much longer, not like this. I need to be free and just to make this pain go away. I sound pretty brave and bold, but will I do it? Will I end with my life? I'd like to, I mean I don't see the purpose of staying alive, the purpose of living... But I won't I'm much of a coward to do something like that, I'd never be able to. So I'll just keep on suffering and suffering and suffering and suffering and suffering and...

Je vais bien, ne t'en fais pas! (I'm alright, don't worry)

This is a French expression but also it's the title of a French film, a sort of depressing one which I love (probably because I'm a depressive girl too, and also because I understand exactly and can relate to what's going on with the girl). Anyway, I haven't been feeling that depressed since a while ago, but it has just came back... Why? 

Well that's what happens to me, maybe because I'm not happy, maybe because I want things I'll never have but I'm so stubborn and much of a dreamer to give up and set my mind to it, I'm too much of a dreamer to accept reality, even when being a dreamer it hurts so much, even much than being realistic (because at least when you have accepted reality, you know what to expect and you're not waiting for something great to happen to you, something you know it's impossible in your world).

I don't know what to do to change the way that I feel, sometimes I feel better for a while but it doesn't last long enough, but well what I can do now it's write about it, that's why I share this lines with you, thanks for all of those who read it.

If you've got the chance watch the movie, but if you are in the same depressive mood as I am, maybe you should think about the feelings this movie might awake in your soul (you have been warned).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0FLwIp8FLo  

I leave with you the trailer in case you feel curious about the film.