Wondering about my life...

Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

I'm getting older and I need something to rely on...

I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin...

YES, those above are some lines of Somewhere only we know by Keane. Why did I chose those particular three? First of all because I can relate to what's stated there, secondly because that's the way I've been feeling lately, and third well because those three lines really caught my attention, of all the others in the song well those three are the ones I can actually identify the most.

I'm 22 and believe it or not I do think that I'm getting older and yes that I need something to rely on, but someway or another I don't seem to find someone to fill that special place in my life, in my heart. I've tried but all of those (by the way they haven't been many) well, they didn't like me not in the way that I like them (I could say of some of them that it was love, yes it is a big word but that's they way I felt) and even though they aren't part of my life any more well they will always be there, in my heart, occupying a nice spot there. And I don't mind that because they meant a lot to me, but whenever those memories come back to me well it's just devastating, it's the remembrance of one more failure in love. I've never succeeded on that area, and I have always wondered WHY?, that doesn't seem to be a good idea I always end up in further sorrow and the question remains without an answer.

The other thing is that I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin, let's break up that line, I'm getting tired, yes tired of waiting for someone to like me, for someone that I like actually do feel the same way about me, but that seems hopeless since it has never happened to me. No one will wait forever, so where will that leave me, settling with someone who I may not love but who apparently seems to appreciate me, that wouldn't be fair for both of us. The other thing is that, I may have realise that nobody will ever appreciate me like that and that I should already know that I will end up alone, for the rest of my life. The sooner you start accepting the idea the easier will be, that's what most people say when they are trying to give you an advice about your job or something like that, but should I take that cold advice and start making up my mind that I'll never have somebody to hold me close when things get difficult or when having a really bad time, should I? I don't believe that's the right thing to do, but then if I don't do anything to change what's going on in my life, nothing will ever happens, right? Somehow I don't manage to find a way to actually change things, maybe I should just keep on waiting. Maybe I shouldn't think about these things that much...

Is this the place that I've been dreaming of? Why this question? Well maybe because I live in dreams, it's a lot easier than reality. I just hope that one day I can ask myself this and answer it with all the certainty in the world, that yes I've finally get to the place I have always been dreaming of, and this place doesn't have to be a location, a city or a physical place but the place in my heart, in my life, that place that I have been dreaming for so long and that I have finally arrived there.

Hopefully in the future I will be able to write in this blog about happy things, hopefully I will have a life and won't be able to write in it :P  Just kiddin' there's always time to write, to dream, to live.

It's ridiculous but it's real

If only life was easy and we were able to decide what to feel and when to feel it... If only, yes life is full with if only premises and what they leave us, nothing but sorrow and broken hearts.

And then I start to dream an entire life of fantasy with you, about how great would it be to be with you, even though it will never happen and by doing so I just hurt myself even more, I end up broken and hopeless. The worst part is that I know it will never happen but still I manage to fool myself and my mind, I start to dream, to believe... and later on all ends in tears.

And then when you analyse the whole situation you realize how crazy it was, how ridiculous, how could you even think that you had a chance, it was impossible and still you insisted on it, yes it was ridiculous but it was real, all that you felt it was real and so it is your suffering at the moment. And you realize that you have to stop blaming yourself, it wasn't your fault, you didn't want that to happen, you didn't decide what to feel and for whom, it was your stupid and foolish heart who drag you into this situation. And now every time you remember his face, his name, every time you see something that remind you of him it all comes back, all the suffering, all your stupid day-dreaming and it's in your head all over again, and you wonder why can't you forget him, WHY LORD, WHY?

Do I have an answer to that? NO, I don't think anyone does have an answer to that. It's a mystery. One of the many mysteries in this life.

But you know if we relax and let things flow they way they are meant to, maybe it will get easier. There will always be one sad (or tons) of stories where you end up with your heart broken, and the sad part is that nothing that serious even happen, but all relationships are complicated and so are human beings so things won't get easier hahaha, sorry now that was sarcastic and a bit cruel! If I don't laugh about my own pathetic little life then who will, I must try to make the best out of it. We'll see what happen and if things don't change soon then you now where to find me, just walk straight to the path of sorrow, turn left to sadness' street and on the corner you will find the heart broken tavern, yes I'll drink up all my problems. See you there, eventually you will be there :P

Self-Reliance quotes

By Ralph Waldo Emerson, from Essays 1st series 1841

The sentiment is more that the thought they may contain.

To believe your own thought, to believe what's true for you in your private heart is true for all men, that's genius.

In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts, they come back to us with certain alienated majesty. 

God will not have his work manifest by cowards.

Society is in conspiracy against manhood of everyone of its members.

The virtue in most requests is conformity.

Self-reliance is its aversion.

Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind.

Truth is handsomer than the affectation of love.

Virtues are the rule rather than the rule.

What I must do is all that concerns me, not what people think.

Say what you want today even if you contradict yourself tomorrow.

To be great is to be misunderstood.

With all those great quotes above well there isn't much left to say, except that Emerson had a good point, say no to conformity, be yourself and do what you want to do, whatever pleases you, all great genius were people like us before daring to do something about it!
It gives you something to think about, doesn't it?

Happy Endings

Love..., everybody wants some of it, I know I do, and even though I'm much of a pessimist on this subject well happy endings still don't bore me, it's true they don't bore me at all, I might get a bit depressed after encountering so many happy endings (this, obviously because I'm alone and without a lover) anyway I love watching romantic comedies, yes, those cheese, predictable, dramatic but funny movies about love. And yes, I know they are a big cliché they all end happily ever after, which if you evaluate the lack of love lately you would probably ended that movie differently.

But it's a bit of a contradiction how the more you are in pain, the more you're longing for love. Why is that? Love doesn't mean eternal happiness, so why do we are constantly seeking and wanting love? Because we are human beings, it's a bit of a necessity for us, we feel good when someone wants us, and let's face it we want someone who takes care of us, who tells us nice things, who worries about us, who cares about us, who makes nice things for us, someone who remembers all the important things, someone who can truly see you, read you, understand you, love you for who you are with flaws and all. 

It sounds beautiful, yes, that's why we want it, that's why we need it. Whenever we thing about love there is this nice sensation, this feeling, it's like happiness but better and stronger and a bit more intense. Yes, it's intense and passionate and it just makes you feel good, about yourself, about the world, you forget about all your troubles, for a moment everything seems to be alright... and it is, that's why we need love, if we all could love at once there would be no evil in the world, no wars, no conflicts, no troubles... 

Those are amazing thoughts, unfortunately we cannot live in a perfect world, it might be a little bit to boring and too perfect. Everything always beautiful, without any sort of concern, no problems, just love. Maybe even then we wouldn't appreciate love so much and it will become something like a habit, to love only because if you do the world is better, everything gets better. There wouldn't be much of a point on doing that and we would find chaos at the end...

That's why we need love, because it's so rare to feel it, it's so rare to truly find it and that's what makes us longing for it even more, we always aim to high, we always want things we can't have, I'm not saying that finding love is impossible or that love doesn't exist, i believe in happy endings, remember -happy endings still don't bore me- and they don't I believe in happy endings as much as I believe in love, and even though it's hard to find, I know that I'll find it one day, I can feel it in my heart, I know there is someone for everybody, that special person who completes you and who makes you feel like you've never been before him/her. I know I haven't met you yet but whenever that day arrives I'll never let you go. I know I have to keep on believing, keep on waiting but at the end the wait will be worth it, of that I'm sure.

   

Have you ever feel like...?

Have you ever feel like leaving everything behind?

Living doesn’t really seem to fit with you anymore, so you begin to have lots of suicidal ideas, making sure that every single one of those ideas suits your personality, if you were afraid of the water you wouldn’t throw yourself out of a bridge into a river, or if you are afraid of speed you wouldn’t crash your car in the highway, so your mind starts to work in a very creative way, you plan every single detail of your possible anticipated death and just when you have come up with the perfect plan, in that very moment you realize how cowardly your behavior will be, yes you would be the one who stop trying, how lazy of you and how coward to end with your life just because you have had several complications.

Would you be able to forgive yourself after doing that? I mean we all have a purpose in life, was yours to be the one who stopped trying? The one who gave up too soon? The one who didn’t have the guts to cope with his/her problems? You would become the one who would be forgotten first and was that your purpose? To come to the world and die young and be forgotten, almost as if you’ve never come…

Think about it, is it worth it? Would you give up a possible life filled with happiness? Will you? Instead of spending quite a long time planning your death, you could have used your creativity to plan a way to solve some of your problems, don’t you think? Of course whenever we are depressed we don’t think about such things, why would we? Nothing seems to make sense at the moment.

So, I would like to make you a suggestion whenever you’re feeling like the whole world is against you just walk away, go some place you feel better, cry, yes, listen to sad music, be mad at the world, do whatever makes you feel better (except hurting yourself) and then when it is all over and you begin to feel yourself again, do something for yourself, relax, go out with your friends, talk to someone about what’s going on with you (you never know, some good advice may come along), go and hug someone you really care about, give yourself a treat (buy something for you, or have your favourite meal for dinner, buy some chocolates, ice-cream, go to the movies, do something crazy you’ve always wanted to do (it will change your perspective about life), talk to a stranger, make new friends, all of these are just a few of the things you can do, the sky is the limit, let your imagination flow and take over, after doing all of that and more you will start to feel less and less depressed and you will realize that life is what you make of it.

You don't know me, you don't know me at all

Drama, Drama, Drama... Yes sometimes you're life is completely full of drama even though you don't like drama and try your best to avoid it, but somehow it manages to reach you and ever since your life is not the same.

From conflicts, gossips, arguments, assumptions, stares... it's not nice and it's a bit uncomfortable that people think you are a bitch and the worst person in the world just because somebody told them something about you, something that it wasn't true, something that they exaggerate, yes but since those people don't know you that well then they bought it! And you end up being stared and people talk behind your back... all thanks to misunderstandings, to a certain gossip starter and attention caller and pre-judgement, yes that's probably the worst of all because people shouldn't believe what others say about you, if they don't really know you then they should listen to what those have to say and walked away, and not to start judging you and thinking badly about you. 

And there is also the fact that now everybody knows "it", yes that which you supposedly said or did, and it just sucks, people who you haven't even talked before stare at you as if you were the meanest girl in the world. 

I've never cared much about what others say about me, I don't care as long as my friends know who I am, that's more than enough for me, I don't need everybody's approval. But what it is annoying is that someone who doesn't even know what really happened and even worst that person doesn't really knows you, so it's enervating having to listen to that person telling you how wrong you are, and that you should change your behaviour and be nicer with the one "affected". I mean, why do you care? , you don't even know what happen and yes you don't even know me... so stop acting like the saviour of the story.

If you've even been through the same sort of thing you know exactly what I mean, and I'm not trying to make a victim out of me either, that's not the point, it's just that all these sort of complications bother me.

Now I leave you the song which inspired this entry, if you haven't heard of it  you should listen to it, it's pretty awesome, Ben Folds feat Regina Spektor performing You don't know me!

Choices

Life is way too complicated, but you all know that. I am nobody's life is perfect, right? Ok, so I've been thinking about my own issues and how is it that in spite of all the effort I ever do to make things right some times it never seems to work out.

But this time I haven't been making my best to solve things and I think that's bad, I need to have some sort of closure because only with it I'll be able to move on.
Yes, some times all we need to do it's that we constantly avoid. It may seem awkward or perhaps you don't want to do it because you're scared of whatever happen next. And you like it or not, you will influence the result, that last result you have been avoiding, but you need to do it.

Why?

Well because it's insane, you're suffering so very much and you have to stop, you can't keep on living in sadness for ever.

Even when you know it might hurt, you have to try... it's better to know for once and for all than to be waiting and hoping for something to happen... what if nothing ever changes? then what? will you wait for ever? It doesn't make much sense, does it?

So this time I'll listen to my own voice, my own advice... enough time has passed by so far and I need to know, I already did this one time before with another person and yes things didn't end up well but at least I could get over him, it's what i needed the most.

I won't be afraid,  it's as a good friend told me: You have nothing to lose, and she's right, I have nothing to lose but what I can gain could be amazing, even if things don't end well, still I can win, I'll have some peace of mind.
I'll try and hopefully next time you will know if things end up nicely or not :D
Keep your fingers crossed for me ;)

Trapped

Every single day that passes by I wonder why am I in this situation?

I want to get out of this coffin, the bad part is that since there isn't dirt over it, it's harder to set me free.
All over the coffin in which I find myself buried alive are my troubles, both internal and external, with my family, with friends, with the world, with life, with my current sad situation. But not only troubles surround and cover my coffin, no, also my loneliness, people's rejection, people's looking over my head and ignoring me completely, the fact that I'm invisible for others, the fact that I always like the wrong guys, the fact that nobody likes me, the fact that I'll end up alone.
All of these turn into sorrow, depression, sadness, crying and I end up, emotionless, alone, suicidal, mad at the world, mad at God, faith, etc.

And so, little by little as my troubles grow bigger my coffin goes deeper underground, and it's harder to get out, I don't even know if I want to get out any more, I don't think that if I do something will change, will I be happy? Maybe, or maybe not, perhaps I'll end up less depressed but on the same situation, unloved and unwanted.

Why was I created for? I have never found myself to be loved, to be truly appreciated (yes, I do have friends and they do make me happy but unfortunately I can't be with them always and sorrow comes back to take its place instead). Why suffering has to be the most important thing in my life, the most outstanding out of everything else?

Now I feel lifeless and I don't know how to change from a state of sadness and misery to a state of happiness and peace of mind. Perhaps I'm not meant to find out, perhaps I'm a terrible person who deserves all of this pain, my wounds they never heal, and even though my face doesn't show my pain it doesn't mean it isn't there.

Not all that it is in the surface it's what's inside.

Blink 182 and Music which makes you feel good

So I wasn't that inspired today to write the kind of things that you see on this blog on a regular basis, but I have been listening to music quite a lot, and today specially to Blink 182. Probably because their back with a new single and all that stuff, but back in the days hehe they used to play a lot of sarcastic, realistic and fun music and there are many videos that show us how crazy this guys are.
They are awesome and I've always loved their music, the new single is so great check it out Blink 182 - Up All Night

I was a bit depressed and I listen to What's my age again? All the small things and First Date
All the songs sorta lift me up, and I started to feel kinda happy and like if I was having a good time, even though I'm not doing anything which indicates that.

Welll this entry is basically for all of those loners and blue souls out there, if you feel down pick up your i-pod, go to youtube or play a CD of whatever music makes you feel better and enjoy yourself. It may not solve the problems you're going through or change much about your life but hey everybody needs a rest of all that shit sometimes, believe me I know!

Hopefully next time, I'll write something more...  LOL

If you want easy access to those songs, the links are marked in fuchsia

At the bridge

Every single day she crossed the bridge to go home, it was the long way home but she didn't mind walking a little bit more, she loved that bridge, it brings peace to her soul. In that bridge she can admire the beauty of the city, all the city lights, the marvellous buildings, the tall trees, she could think in that bridge but only good things. 

It took her a while to cross it because she always stopped to look below, to hear the water flow, O! That glorious river which awake her soul, the sound of the water made her feel at peace and it made her believe in possibilities, that dreams were possible if you try longer. And so night after night she filled her heart with hopes of a better world, of a better life. 

When she gets home she sees her boyfriend exhausted for the day and they barely even talk, they make love, more like a habit rather than for the passion of it, and when he finishes he turns out the light and she tries to sleep, her boyfriend having been physically satisfied falls asleep like a baby but her she has some trouble to sleep and so she starts thinking about her life, but not with the calm that the bridge provides her, she’s upset with her life, with her relationship, at the end she sleeps tired from the day. In the morning, a kiss wakes her up, suddenly her boyfriend is acting like a loving partner. She turns over to find him and kiss him just to find out why he’s acting in such manner, she feels his erection. That’s why she said to herself, he begins to rub her breasts. She doesn't want to have sex with him, she’s not in the mood so she pushes his hands away and turn over to sleep for while longer, he insists as every man would, she pushed him again, so he leans towards her and whisper in her ear : What’s wrong darling? Don’t you love me? It'll be fun. She’s thinking a lot of things and wondering how exactly he hasn't notice her mood lately and how could he think that she enjoyed last night. But she thinks to herself that it might do some good to her, so she kisses him and grabs his penis, it’s hard and erected, did she do that? And suddenly she begins to feel better about herself because she can make her boyfriend excited. And so they had sex in a very different manner, much more passionate and meaningful. 

They both say goodbye and go to work, on the way she found herself very happy and a bit changed from the rest of the days, and she had a great day at work. At the end of the day, it was time to go back home and she decided to skip her walk on the bridge, she wanted to go home soon to be with her guy. When she arrived home she found her guy with another woman, she was devastated, how could this happen to her? 

Everything seemed to be perfect this morning. He was quite surprised that she was home early. It turns out that every day she crossed the bridge it took her about an hour, a perfect time for him to have an affair with another woman. 

She went to the room and began to pack, it was his flat after all, she called her best friend and stayed with her for a couple of weeks, during that time she went to work regularly, she was lost, how could she ever thought that she was happy? How didn't she notice his cheating on her? It was pointless to keep on thinking about that. 

Two weeks have passed since the incident and it was Sunday, she decided she wanted to spend some time by herself, she went shopping and to museums, she saw her beloved bridge which she haven’t crossed for so long, she decided to cross it, it was windy her hair moved beautifully along with the wind, suddenly she saw her ex-boyfriend’s brother, he waved at her, he keep on walking she stayed on the middle of the bridge, she dropped her bags and stand on the edge, she was quite certain about what she should do next and so she did it, she jumped, it was quite high and she didn't know how to swim. 

The free-fall felt amazing, she was happy for that brief moment, she knew that she didn’t jumped over him, it was because she needed to do it. She hit the water, it was cold and she could feel how the water filled her lungs, she didn't care she was at peace once again. Suddenly she heard someone screamed. 

Fifteen minutes passed by and she found herself out of the river throwing the water out of her lungs, she was 

breathing. She opened up her eyes and there standing nearby and soaking wet was him, he the one who 

cheated on her so easily. 

The first thing that come to her mind was: Who did he think he is to be acting in such heroic manner? Why? Why now? I'm not going to forgive him just because he saved my life, no no no, I must be strong whenever he approaches me. It doesn't matter if he jumped 20 feet out of a bridge just to save me, either way he never crossed that bridge before, why now? 

A few minutes went by and she was alright according to the paramedics, she just needed a rest, he approached her in the way she knew she will, he seemed defeated and repented. He looked at her just as he 

did the very first time he saw her, and she noticed some love in his eyes, he kissed her forehead and drop a little kiss in her nose. Perhaps time will tell whether he has changed or not, either way she was positive, if she 

was saved was for a reason, she was going to make the best out of her life, as to her ex-boyfriend, in time 

and with some insistence on his side they became really good friends.

Now she goes to the bridge, that place where her life changed so drastically, she goes there not only to think 

but to be reminded why and how she happens to be alive.

I am the rain

I am the rain

I am the rain, I am as fragile as those water drops.

I am the rain, I easily fall and break apart

The sun comes out and dries me out  

Nothing remains, I am soon forgotten

I am the rain

I am the rain, everything is either dark or grey

I am the rain, I am cold and unexpected

I am the rain

Sometimes I washed away people hopes and dreams

Some people may like me but their lives are filled with melancholy and sadness whenever I’m around

I am the rain but I can turn into storm

No more you around

It seems like if it was only yesterday when we sit and talk about everything and nothing, it was so amazing how by your presence only I was happy, and smiling, yes you made smile you made me happy, and now… I spend days crying over you, in sadness, wondering what could I have done wrong that now you despise me so.

I will never know, maybe it was just me, you got tired of me, for a while I was interesting but later on it just didn't make sense that you want me, that you care about me. Do I scare people away? The other day I was on the bus and it was so crowded, by the end of the first stop the sit next to me was empty and yet nobody sit with me… what does that means? Do I scare people away? Is my presence alone so unbearable that no one can stand sitting with me on the bus? Not even a stranger… You have no idea how rejected I felt, how lonely and miserable!

Maybe that’s why you stop talking to me, maybe you realized you were wasting your time with someone like me, you realized that it wasn’t worth it, that I was too weird, maybe you had enough of me, the simplicity of my soul makes me boring? Maybe so… Maybe I’m just meant to suffer as I’ve always said and rejection and abandon is all I can expect from those who once liked me, befriended me…

The most difficult part is that I haven’t manage to forget you, it’s not so easy, you meant a lot to me, and now you’re gone, you’ve vanished from my life just like the morning spring evaporates as soon as the sun comes out, and it’s like you’ve never been there, you leave no trace at all, not a visible one because I keep you in my heart, my broken heart, my lonely heart.

And it’s so hard to cope with the pain especially when you know that the other person is not suffering, he has forgotten all about you so easily and so fast, you don’t cross his mind every morning, every single day, he doesn’t have any song which reminds him of you, no he’s alright, he has moved on. It’s almost as if you never existed, he could pass by and not notice you.

It must be my fault, I’m constantly wanting things that aren’t meant for me…

Will I be better in time??? I can’t tell, I’ll try to forget you, it’s useless to carry on with this obsession.

I like London in the rain!

I'm a girl who enjoys sunny days, sunny and hot, yes I love warm weather, hot weather and seeing the sun shining above my head just make me happy, to be honest I don't cope quite well with cold, rainy or windy weather.

I was a little bit nervous about going to London I didn't wanted that my likes and dislikes about the weather influenced my idea about the city. And well it turns out that I loved London, and yes it rained and yes it was a bit cold, but it also had it moments with the sun and with a bit of hotness around.

I didn't expected that to happen, of course I didn't spend that much time in London, but the days I was there were fantastic and I enjoyed getting wet, I didn't mind walking through the city streets in the rain, this was a big deal for me because of what I said previously about me and the weather, but it was awesome.

Honestly, London wouldn't be the same without rain. London is so big and so cool, and for a non-native English speaker like me it was awesome to go there, of course the fact that I love the English language, culture, music, history, etc., had a lot to do with it (I might even like English better than Spanish-my mother tongue but that's a different story).

Moving around through the London Underground System was a completely cool experience, it's completely worth it, you get to travel through a clean tube and I like the tiles on the underground walls hehe, you get to see people from very different ethnic origins, it's true when they said that London is the biggest multicultural city in the world, that's pretty interesting, specially if you come from a small city where the variety of people doesn't really varies. That was pretty interesting you could heard people speaking in Portuguese, French, Hindi, Hebrew, of course English but that mixture of languages all over the place was music to my ears.

London is definitely the place to visit! And I haven't even talked about the place per say but I don't want to blow up the experience, it's better to discover the place by yourself, getting lost, don't know where to go, getting wet, asking for directions, end up on the wrong stop, that's all part of the experience and to be honest that makes life much more exciting, those are all learning experiences, funny anecdotes and good times.