The tide

It's almost the end of the year and in spite of having a good year I still found myself into a big depression which I dare to say though I'm no expert, that it's getting worst. I don't like worrying people so I keep most of it to myself or find myself talking about it with people I don't know, people far away from me, it seems easier that way and it allows me to express myself, to unburden myself which is always good. 

But those who suffer of depression won't let me lie when I say that talking about it, crying, trying to do something different, trying to clear your mind it's just not enough, sometimes the sorrow is bigger than you and you can't control it. 

Today in the afternoon I was at home and I saw that Cast Away was on, so I watch the film, I've always liked it anyway. And the final message of it really caught my eye once more, some thing I always new but I have long forgotten. 

When Chuck Nolan, the role played by Tom Hanks finally leaves his island on the boat he built and get rescued after that, he is telling one of his friend the story when he was on that island. And Chuck said that even that he was very sad for loosing Kelly, Helen Hunt, once more he knew that he had to keep on breathing, keeping himself alive because no one knows what the tide might bring to us one day, something that may helps sail the deep ocean which  is keeping us away from our life and being desolated. 

I know I will never be able to not feel sad or depressed but whenever I feel myself like that again I will remember that line no one knows what the tide might bring to us one day and that's why living is worth it and the wait won't be eternal, we just have to be patient and see that the sun will also shine tomorrow. 

About Unhappiness

Hateful thoughts of unhappiness
Continuous looks of indifference
Perfectly ignored
Rejected as a contagious disease
Misunderstood as a vulture in the open sea
People staring at me
They do not comprehend the complexity of your soul
They do not see how lonely you've become
They do not know how sad does it feel
To be alone,
To be unwanted,
To be unloved...

Every tear
Every nod on your throat
Every realization of what your future will be like
Alone, without someone to hold on to
Without someone being happy to see you
Without someone to hold you
Without someone who will take all your sorrows away...

And night over night over night
You drag yourself to bed, trying to sleep and
While you're lying there thinking
About your day, about your monotonous life
And how it doesn't seem to change
How it's everyday the same
And you try to be strong, optimistic
But you just can't take it any more
It's too much suffering for the uncertainty
Of what may the future bring
Of the life you could have
But you never will...

Tired of waiting for something to happen
Tired of waiting for someone to come
Tired of trying to change what I can't control
Tired of trying to make myself happy and forget about it all
Tired of crying
Of this life
And of being here

What shall the outcome be?
That I cannot tell for sure
But sometimes a tragedy it's what it takes to be free of it all...

Living in a Prison Cell

Nothingness and yourself
Only memories remain
A happy life
You left behind
And now in loneliness
You are found
All alone
Just you and nothing more

If only you haven't done
If only you haven't hurt
If only you have loved

Nothingness and nothing more
Nothingness forever more
You left yourself all alone

Expectations vs Reality

I'm on holidays as everybody else, and without all the amount of duties that being at university implies well I've been having free time, free time to be bored out, free time to hang out, to watch movies, to watch tv series, but especially free time to think. 

I'm a girl so we already do a lot of thinking, as a woman I get to worry about stuff men cannot notice because it's not on their programming, that's why guys are more laid back and relax, right now I wished I wish I could be more relaxed and laid back, it's holidays after all, but no I find myself on my resting days worrying about all the stuff I shouldn't be worry about... the future. 

Yes, the future, my future in particular, it's not like I don't worry about our world and what's going on in it, but I've been worried about my future lately, about what will happen in a few years when I became a graduate student, not only about what I am going to do with my life but also where I will I be living. I've always dream about living elsewhere, a place far away from home, a place where I'll be challenged to fit it, to make new friends, to find a house/department where to live, even to find someone to love, I dare to say. But I'm afraid that my dream might just have to wait a bit more than I've expected, all good things happen to those who waits, right? 

I don't know I'll do my best for accomplish my dreams as soon as possible, but sometimes no matter how hard you try, you just have a hunch that some of those dreams won't come true, and how can you possibly be sure about it? Since you're the main character on your story you can tell by experience what events are more likely to happen and what events are more likely to stay as dreams and nothing more.

All of that sounds a bit cruel and perhaps not encouraging. But with all of what's being said I'm not telling you that you shouldn't follow your dreams, all that I'm saying is that perhaps you need to analyse, to think thoroughly and  if something sounds a bit too wild or a bit too impossible to reconsider that option, maybe change that idea a bit in order to fulfil that dream because after all there is a big difference between expectations and reality, always follow your heart, always believe in yourself, never give up, keep on fighting and you shall accomplish all that you've been dreaming for. 

I believe that the best advice I can give you is: don't let your thoughts ruin your holidays, maybe it's time to let go of the past and to move on, to expect new things and not to be afraid of the new things that may come with the new year is about to start. Life is full of surprises after all, you never know what it may bring. 

One touch, one smile

Life is define by small pieces of happiness,
little moments
insignificant for some
treasured by others

a single touch
a gentle caress
a long hand grip
and what is the outcome
a happy day
a smile upon your face
happiness all over the place

nothing can't take this moment disappear
nothing can't make you forget
nothing can't remove those thoughts on your head

happiness make its way through
your heart will never be the same
your emotions cannot be contained
your smile cannot be taken away
happiness remains
it may be just for a day
or a couple of hours
it doesn't matter how much does it last
feeling that all is possible
even if it's for a little while
it's worth it

Silent Nightmare

It had been a rough day so after classes I decided to go directly home, I took the bus, overwhelmed by the crowed and the traffic but no more than usual. I get off the bus at my stop and then I start to walk, between the sun rays hurting my eyes and the dust the wind so gently decided to get all over my face I find it quite difficult to see. 

I get home, somehow that walk last longer than usual, there's no one home, there's a note on the fridge -"We went out, there's food on the fridge", it said. Submerged by the exhaustion of the day I choose not to have that lovely meal (a bunch of sandwiches put together on a plate, no thanks). I climbed up the stairs, I open the door to my room and I lay down.

What a rough day it was! It's all that I can actually come up with, no more thoughts, no depth meant to achieve today. Suddenly I hear a peculiar noise downstairs (They're probably at home, I thought, so I didn't pay attention to it and grabbed my earphones and listen to some relaxing tunes.), then I  began to feel weird, my bed began to feel weird to be precise (not my bed per say (that wasn't specific enough)), the surface feels funny as if I've never lied on this bed before, it's hard and it smells like if it was new. 

Maybe I was too tired and my mind was starting to feel the effects of exhaustion, I didn't pay attention to it, the music relaxed me for a while but in spite of that I couldn't manage to sleep, and to add some weirdness to the picture I didn't hear any noises downstairs any more (O! well they'll come up in a minute to bother the hell out of me, I said to myself).

An hour passed by and still nothing (Maybe they've forgot something and left again), anyway I was too tired to come down and check myself, so I just close my eyes and a few tears came down. I wasn't sad, not that I recall to anyway. It was strange, and then I remembered that I'm always sad, I have been wearing this invisible mask of happiness and everydayness that, for a minute I forgot my current emotional state. 

An then an idea popped onto my head, was I really at home? was this my bed? was I listening to relaxing tunes? was I upstairs in my bedroom? was this real or maybe it was all on my mind? How could I ever manage to discern between illusions and reality? How? The idea was driving me crazy, maybe I was just dreaming, but I've never been aware of a dream while I'm dreaming, so that was out of the question. What was going on? I screamed but no one seemed to answer. 

Odd, pretty odd. I went downstairs, the atmosphere seemed a bit sad as if no one had been there for centuries. Loneliness was all over the place, yes loneliness and then I tried to open the front door but I couldn't do it, it got stocked. I wanted to leave that place, I wasn't feeling safe any more, I needed to leave. I was alone, no one to help me, no one around me. Out of nowhere a drop of water fall on my face, I look up but there wasn't a hint of where it may came from. I didn't care much about it, I was trying to get away from that place, that bizarre house.

I had been running all over the place, up and down like crazy and nothing, I couldn't get out. I went upstairs again, to "my room" and lay down there. Once again, I was crying and water drops keep falling from everywhere as if the sealing was about to come down, I didn't care what was about to happen, if I was to die crushed by the sealing so be it. I keep on crying and the sealing finally came down, I had it all over me, it was just water. 

What was this place?- I asked myself one more time, I couldn't keep on crying. Abruptly and without notice, dozens of bruises throughout my arms as if I had been jabbed on the same spots for days. I was losing my mind or perhaps I've already lost it, either way I needed to get out of that house,  I went to the roof and without hesitating I jumped, the free-fall felt amazing, I felt alive I wasn't scared about hitting the ground nor dying for that matter, all the suffering seem to go away, I closed my eyes and before reaching the ground I opened my eyes wide open, my eyes hurt the light was too bright. -Was I dead, I wondered. 

And so I feel a kiss on my forehead, and it was you. My heart was filled with bliss, finally I'd be by your side. You took me in your arms and as you were walking I felt like I was floating, soon I'd be happy again. You open a door, it was raining outside, you open the door of your car and I tried to smile as much as my weak state permitted me. You drove away and on that white hell I never set foot on again.

Seule

Je suis seule
sans personne

Je voudrais être embrasse
pour lesquels  j'aime
mais personne m'aimait

Et je reste seule
sans compagnie

Quand est-ce que tu me trouveras?
j'attends pour toi
j'ai envie de toi
j'ai besoin de toi

Tu me manques
et finallement tu m'avais oublié
d'une manière si facile
sans reproches
sans regrette

Qu'est-ce que je vais faire?
c'est une question sans reponse
mais j'attendrai
et peut-être tu arriveras...

An easy escape

Have you ever feel that everything surrounding you feels funny? For some strange reason none of your clothes fit, that fashion doesn't seem to suit your life, your shoes are too big or too small. You are so tired, and all you want to do is lie in bed and forget about the world but there is something wrong with your bed, it feels weird as if it were somebody else's bed. You try to over look all of these series of strange events during the day but as days go by you began to wonder, to doubt.

You watch out, you stare, you walk slowly for what reason? Well, that's rather simple you're on a quest, yes a quest, a quest which will determine where are you and what are you doing, a quest which will define you..

You began to feel a bit paranoid and people looks at you in a strange manner, as if you were crazy as if you didn't know what to do next. 

You cannot sleep, you cannot dream and you will not close your eyes until you find out the truth. Somehow the zombie-like appearance that you have now made your own scares people, they freak out and it is unavoidable for them to stare at you, in that way somebody stares at a death body lying on the middle of the street, the blood calls you, that lifeless and miserable corpse calls your name and you cannot help but to answer that calling, you stay there and suddenly without anticipation, corpse and body became one, all the sadness which the corpse embodies is now carried by the body. 

And that's exactly the way you look now a sad, lifeless walking body, a human without hopes nor fears, a man in search of himself, in a quest for the truth that will never come. When you decide to make that quest you accept the fact that you have lost your soul, the essence of your being, but you didn't bother to get it back in stead you got obsessed by an idea, the idea that you were living somebody else's life, the idea that someone had taken you to that place, that place that looked so unfamiliar to you, that place that you hated and that you couldn't recognize. 

Of course it would have been hard to recognize the place where you spend most of your day on, once you have lose yourself it turns out impossible to recognize anything else in your life, if it is hard to recognize yourself imagine then, how hard is it to recognize all the things surrounding you, it is not possible. 

And so you have spent valuable time and energy on that particular quest, that pointless quest. You already knew what the truth was but you chose to ignore it and now you are a stranger in your own life, you feel like if someone else had took over and invaded your thoughts, but it was you who let all the misery and decay in this world to become the rulers in your life, there is no escape except that which the mind so easily provides and with which you decide to poison your soul, your thoughts, your instincts.

Forgotten you will be like all those who drank of that nourishing poison which tortures one's existence...

Paradise, Coldplay

Coldplay came up with a beautiful song, so sublime, supreme! I'd probably end up using a ton of adjectives and I would never actually enclose all that this song means. Lyrics are perfect and I feel so connected to them, it's me in that song and I'm pretty sure a lot of people already feel like this and will whenever they listen to this song. 

It makes me feel so much better, happy and there is a feeling of transcendence, and it makes me want to do so many things, daring to actually take action and fulfil all my dreams, you know? To see the world, to live, to feel, to forget, to remember...

And the video, this small film was lovely, between landscapes of England and Africa, WOW good choice! And seeing all those places of London just take me back to when I was there, O! dear, I just want to go back. The whole idea of friendship, or working hard, of nature, of being with the ones you belong, of doing new things, of freedom is portraited here. It's just wonderful, listen to it and watch it, you won't regret!

Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo. 
Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo. 

When she was just a girl, 
She expected the world, 
But it flew away from her reach, 
So she ran away in her sleep. 

Dreamed of para-para-paradise, 
Para-para-paradise, 
Para-para-paradise, 
Every time she closed her eyes. 

Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo. 
Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-oo. 

When she was just a girl, 
She expected the world, 
But it flew away from her reach, 
And bullets catching her tears. 

Life goes on, 
It gets so heavy, 
The wheel breaks the butterfly. 
Every tear, a waterfall. 
In the night, the stormy night, 
She closed her eyes. 
In the night, the stormy night, 
Away she flied. 

I dream of para-para-paradise, 
Para-para-paradise, 
Para-para-paradise, 
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh. 

She dreamed of para-para-paradise, 
Para-para-paradise, 
Para-para-paradise, 
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh. 

La-la 
La-la-la-la-la 
La-la-la-la-la 
La-la-la-la. 

So lying underneath the stormy skies. 
She said oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. 
I know the sun's set to rise. 

This could be para-para-paradise, 
Para-para-paradise, 
Para-para-paradise, 
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh. 

This could be para-para-paradise, 
Para-para-paradise, 
Para-para-paradise, 
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh. 

Oh, oh. Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo. 

This could be para-para-paradise, 
Para-para-paradise, 
Para-para-paradise, 
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh. 

Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-ooo, oo-oo-oo 
Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-ooo, oo-oo-oo 
Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-ooo, oo-oo-oo 
Oo-oo-oo, oo-oo-ooo...

Read more: http://artists.letssingit.com/coldplay-lyrics-paradise-cxqq8nc#ixzz1dk2E5n4j
LetsSingIt - Your favorite Music Community 

A Word, A Feeling, An Utopy...

O! Love 
What are you?
What have you become? 
What are you expected to be?


O! Love
Nothing more than a few phonemes combined
together they create a magnificent sound
a sound everybody wishes to hear 
a sound which leaves us all marvelled and blind


O! Love
Nothing more than one word
and yet, so much more, 
a feeling, O! yes
a feeling which entangles lives together
for an eternity yet to come


O! Love
People wait their entire lives for you
but, are you real?
perhaps you are mainly a product of our imagination
maybe you only exist in our minds 
in our perfect world where everything is possible
will we ever find you?


O! Love
An utopic thought 
waiting to be achieved
An emotion
waiting to be fulfilled


O! Love
Passionate and true, 
Impulsive and wild,
and yet heart-breaking and devastating...
but at the end
we all long for you to come
we all wait for that epic arrival
the one that will forever change the course of our lives.

What does it mean to know somebody?

Let's face it, this is a really tricky question, isn't it? You may know every single detail about someone and that's knowing someone but what happens when in spite of spending time with that particular person, listening to his/her issues, giving him/her advices, laughing and/or crying together, doing craziness together, sharing your life with that person isn't enough, what's behind that perfect cover? It's not like you think he/she is perfect, no, you know he/she has flaws like all of us and still you open up your heart to them, completely. And it doesn't matter if you do it as a friend or as a lover, at the end of the day and when you least expected something changes. 

Something you never thought possible of occurring, and you wonder whether it is your fault or if there was just all a big lie. You lose faith in the world, in people, in love. Somehow trusting people now becomes unimaginable. How can you trust someone? How? If sooner or later they will just knit a big fat web of lies, of falseness...  And it's not fair, why you? Why?

After all the moments that you share together, after you open up completely to that person, how could all this be possible? why lying for so long? why pretended they love you at the first time? and for a moment you think, how could I've been so naive and believe all that bullshit? 

It doesn't matter, regretting means nothing now, all you can do it's forget and try to move on. You just hope that the next person you meet won't turn out to be like that back-stabber, you just hope that your heart will be ready to love and trust again, because that's what it's suppose to do, to love.

Things do happen for a reason and it might hurts (trust me I know about it) but it's always better to find out the truth, to find out the true character of that person who meant the world to you, it's better to know than being fooled for the rest of your life.

that awkward moment when someone thinks you are a freak

One moment, he thinks you're great, one of a kind, funny, all good qualities, perhaps he has mentioned to you that you are a bit weird but just joking besides you know you are a bit weird and it's not wrong since everybody is a bit weird anyway. 


But one day you try to do something different, something nice, something you consider cute and he freaks out, he doesn't answer your messages, you never see him online, and of course he hasn't delete you from facebook or hotmail but you're just waiting for him to do that, and you consider the fact of apologizing because let's face it he would think that's even weirder, if you didn't think that was freak enough, so you don't know what to do, so you pretend nothing happened and of course you don't insist about that thing he considered freaky, but he still doesn't answer or talk to you and so you're friendship is over.


And all that is there to do is to regret and forget! 

Aaron - U-Turn (Lili)

Lili
Take another walk out of your fake world.
Please put all the drugs out of your hand.
You'll see that you can breath without not back up.
Some much stuff you got to understand.  
For every step in any walk, any town of any thought
I'll be your guide.
For every street of any scene, any place you've never been
I'll be your guide.  

Lili
You know there's still a place for people like us.
The same blood runs in every hand.
You see it's not the wings that makes the angel
Just have to move the bats out of your head.
For every step in any walk, any town of any thought
I'll be your guide.
For every street of any scene, any place you've never been
I'll be your guide.  

Lili
Easy as a kiss we'll find an answer.
Put all your fears back in the shade.
Don't become a ghost without no colour
'Cause you're the best paint life ever made.
For every step in any walk, any town of any thought
I'll be your guide.
For every street of any scene, any place you've never been
I'll be your guide.

Random thoughts of sorrow

Sorrow makes his way in once again, the more I try to escape, to hide, to ignore the fastest it approaches with his long claws penetrating deep into my soul, tearing apart hopes and desires.

Colours have fade away, no rainbows or sun fill in the blue sky, only clouds and rain are left, nothing else remains, no happiness, no love, no brightness, no life.

Help will never arrive, it’s impossible to save someone who has been buried so deep into the ground, hopes are gone, no more waiting, just death.

Ignored, avoided, left behind… Loneliness is my only companion, the only true friend who will forever remain by my side.

I don’t know what the others see on me, but I’m sure it’s nothing good, nobody ever approaches me, smiles at me, sits beside me… What is that that I have that people only want to stay away?

Unloved and unwanted. I was meant to remain alone for the rest of my days with no one to hug me, to caress my skin, to speak kind words to my ear. No, none of that was meant for me… Sadness, loneliness and sorrow on the other hand were made to fill the broken pieces of my heart, making me feel regret and resignation.

Is there a place for people like me???

I need a guide, a guardian angel who help me find the way back into happiness, someone who protect me from the darkness.

Consolation Prizes

I've learn something last week, something rather important for me, and to be honest it was about time for me to realize that but hey better later than never and since it is an important matter I thought that I should tell you all about it. 

It happened to me that in that moment when I was feeling so sad and depressed about my non-existing love life that a guy show up, and yes he seemed to like me a lot and I liked that, not him precisely but to feel appreciated yes... I know it sounds a bit pathetic but hey who hasn't feel like that anyway... don't judge me so fast.

This guy started texting me and it was nice, since he talked about how he liked my curls and stuff and so I answer to his texts and even though I didn't really wanted to meet up with him it happened that I always saw him, close to university, downtown, and it was so weird because even though I like the feeling of being liked well I really didn't like him, and yes he was sweet and everything but also a drug addict, and he didn't work, he was 9 years older than me, he can't keep a job for more than 2 or 3 days, his parents support him, and emotionally he wasn't stable at all and he doesn't know what he wants and the way he approached people it wasn't that nice, it was weird and a bit scary to be honest. 

So with that description being given you can now know that I was incredibly vulnerable and that's how I end up sorta going out with him for like a day and then woke up and realized that I deserved something better, I'm not saying that in a cocky manner, the point I'm trying to make is that you shouldn't settle with so little just because you feel you'll never have something better. Maybe what it takes to change your current situation is to change your attitude, trying to be more positive, accept yourself, and just realize that you'll meet someone who will love you whenever the time is right, whenever you're ready for it. If you love yourself then it will be easier for the rest to love you too. 

Just because you haven't won the BIG PRIZE that doesn't mean you have to settle with the crumbs, with lousy consolation prizes. 

Be sure you know how much you're worth and go for the jackpot, that's what you deserve, no less ;)

That's what I've learned that I deserve something better and that I shouldn't settle with less just because there isn't something good at the moment, better to wait that to fall in an eternal abyss.

Sweet Dreams

Isn't it lovely when you can feel your heart filled with love? That amazing feeling you have when walking hand-in-hand with the man of your dreams. Yes it is wonderful, that smile all over your face, the one everybody can notice, you are in loved and for that brief moment it feels so real, so authentic, so unique, you feel like you're flying, suddenly everything seems to have the perfect colour, the perfect light within, it's almost as if you can hear a happy/romantic song as a background... wait a minute, you can actually hear a song as a background, what's going on? Guess what you where with the man of your dreams because you were actually DREAMING.

And it sucks when you wake up and realize that life is still boring and ordinary as always, yes you don't have the love of your life next to you in bed when you wake up, and it does sucks that you go to school or to work and on the way everybody seems to have found love in their lives, yes everybody BUT YOU. 

But hey, it's no moment to feel blue if you see the bright side of things well you are single without worries of a relationship and yet you are still alive, otherwise how will you have such a dream like the one you have last nigh,  it's better to dream than to be so hollow and emotionless, besides do you know why are you dreaming about it over and over again? Simply because you have HOPE, yes you will find the love of your life sooner or later but in the mean time you have to keep yourself busy, with what? with LIVING. All the things you do from now on will define you, all those experiences will fill all the other empty spaces in your heart and in your mind. It's time to make mistakes, to travel, to get drunk, to kiss a guy without knowing his name, you may be wondering why would i do all of those? well it's just FUN. You need to have fun in order to enjoy your life, happiness doesn't mean having someone to love only but loving yourself. And what a best way to prove this to yourself than to give yourself a treat in LIFE.  

Don't be afraid and just live. You should accomplish that dream too.

Wondering about my life...

Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

I'm getting older and I need something to rely on...

I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin...

YES, those above are some lines of Somewhere only we know by Keane. Why did I chose those particular three? First of all because I can relate to what's stated there, secondly because that's the way I've been feeling lately, and third well because those three lines really caught my attention, of all the others in the song well those three are the ones I can actually identify the most.

I'm 22 and believe it or not I do think that I'm getting older and yes that I need something to rely on, but someway or another I don't seem to find someone to fill that special place in my life, in my heart. I've tried but all of those (by the way they haven't been many) well, they didn't like me not in the way that I like them (I could say of some of them that it was love, yes it is a big word but that's they way I felt) and even though they aren't part of my life any more well they will always be there, in my heart, occupying a nice spot there. And I don't mind that because they meant a lot to me, but whenever those memories come back to me well it's just devastating, it's the remembrance of one more failure in love. I've never succeeded on that area, and I have always wondered WHY?, that doesn't seem to be a good idea I always end up in further sorrow and the question remains without an answer.

The other thing is that I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin, let's break up that line, I'm getting tired, yes tired of waiting for someone to like me, for someone that I like actually do feel the same way about me, but that seems hopeless since it has never happened to me. No one will wait forever, so where will that leave me, settling with someone who I may not love but who apparently seems to appreciate me, that wouldn't be fair for both of us. The other thing is that, I may have realise that nobody will ever appreciate me like that and that I should already know that I will end up alone, for the rest of my life. The sooner you start accepting the idea the easier will be, that's what most people say when they are trying to give you an advice about your job or something like that, but should I take that cold advice and start making up my mind that I'll never have somebody to hold me close when things get difficult or when having a really bad time, should I? I don't believe that's the right thing to do, but then if I don't do anything to change what's going on in my life, nothing will ever happens, right? Somehow I don't manage to find a way to actually change things, maybe I should just keep on waiting. Maybe I shouldn't think about these things that much...

Is this the place that I've been dreaming of? Why this question? Well maybe because I live in dreams, it's a lot easier than reality. I just hope that one day I can ask myself this and answer it with all the certainty in the world, that yes I've finally get to the place I have always been dreaming of, and this place doesn't have to be a location, a city or a physical place but the place in my heart, in my life, that place that I have been dreaming for so long and that I have finally arrived there.

Hopefully in the future I will be able to write in this blog about happy things, hopefully I will have a life and won't be able to write in it :P  Just kiddin' there's always time to write, to dream, to live.

It's ridiculous but it's real

If only life was easy and we were able to decide what to feel and when to feel it... If only, yes life is full with if only premises and what they leave us, nothing but sorrow and broken hearts.

And then I start to dream an entire life of fantasy with you, about how great would it be to be with you, even though it will never happen and by doing so I just hurt myself even more, I end up broken and hopeless. The worst part is that I know it will never happen but still I manage to fool myself and my mind, I start to dream, to believe... and later on all ends in tears.

And then when you analyse the whole situation you realize how crazy it was, how ridiculous, how could you even think that you had a chance, it was impossible and still you insisted on it, yes it was ridiculous but it was real, all that you felt it was real and so it is your suffering at the moment. And you realize that you have to stop blaming yourself, it wasn't your fault, you didn't want that to happen, you didn't decide what to feel and for whom, it was your stupid and foolish heart who drag you into this situation. And now every time you remember his face, his name, every time you see something that remind you of him it all comes back, all the suffering, all your stupid day-dreaming and it's in your head all over again, and you wonder why can't you forget him, WHY LORD, WHY?

Do I have an answer to that? NO, I don't think anyone does have an answer to that. It's a mystery. One of the many mysteries in this life.

But you know if we relax and let things flow they way they are meant to, maybe it will get easier. There will always be one sad (or tons) of stories where you end up with your heart broken, and the sad part is that nothing that serious even happen, but all relationships are complicated and so are human beings so things won't get easier hahaha, sorry now that was sarcastic and a bit cruel! If I don't laugh about my own pathetic little life then who will, I must try to make the best out of it. We'll see what happen and if things don't change soon then you now where to find me, just walk straight to the path of sorrow, turn left to sadness' street and on the corner you will find the heart broken tavern, yes I'll drink up all my problems. See you there, eventually you will be there :P

Self-Reliance quotes

By Ralph Waldo Emerson, from Essays 1st series 1841

The sentiment is more that the thought they may contain.

To believe your own thought, to believe what's true for you in your private heart is true for all men, that's genius.

In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts, they come back to us with certain alienated majesty. 

God will not have his work manifest by cowards.

Society is in conspiracy against manhood of everyone of its members.

The virtue in most requests is conformity.

Self-reliance is its aversion.

Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind.

Truth is handsomer than the affectation of love.

Virtues are the rule rather than the rule.

What I must do is all that concerns me, not what people think.

Say what you want today even if you contradict yourself tomorrow.

To be great is to be misunderstood.

With all those great quotes above well there isn't much left to say, except that Emerson had a good point, say no to conformity, be yourself and do what you want to do, whatever pleases you, all great genius were people like us before daring to do something about it!
It gives you something to think about, doesn't it?

Happy Endings

Love..., everybody wants some of it, I know I do, and even though I'm much of a pessimist on this subject well happy endings still don't bore me, it's true they don't bore me at all, I might get a bit depressed after encountering so many happy endings (this, obviously because I'm alone and without a lover) anyway I love watching romantic comedies, yes, those cheese, predictable, dramatic but funny movies about love. And yes, I know they are a big cliché they all end happily ever after, which if you evaluate the lack of love lately you would probably ended that movie differently.

But it's a bit of a contradiction how the more you are in pain, the more you're longing for love. Why is that? Love doesn't mean eternal happiness, so why do we are constantly seeking and wanting love? Because we are human beings, it's a bit of a necessity for us, we feel good when someone wants us, and let's face it we want someone who takes care of us, who tells us nice things, who worries about us, who cares about us, who makes nice things for us, someone who remembers all the important things, someone who can truly see you, read you, understand you, love you for who you are with flaws and all. 

It sounds beautiful, yes, that's why we want it, that's why we need it. Whenever we thing about love there is this nice sensation, this feeling, it's like happiness but better and stronger and a bit more intense. Yes, it's intense and passionate and it just makes you feel good, about yourself, about the world, you forget about all your troubles, for a moment everything seems to be alright... and it is, that's why we need love, if we all could love at once there would be no evil in the world, no wars, no conflicts, no troubles... 

Those are amazing thoughts, unfortunately we cannot live in a perfect world, it might be a little bit to boring and too perfect. Everything always beautiful, without any sort of concern, no problems, just love. Maybe even then we wouldn't appreciate love so much and it will become something like a habit, to love only because if you do the world is better, everything gets better. There wouldn't be much of a point on doing that and we would find chaos at the end...

That's why we need love, because it's so rare to feel it, it's so rare to truly find it and that's what makes us longing for it even more, we always aim to high, we always want things we can't have, I'm not saying that finding love is impossible or that love doesn't exist, i believe in happy endings, remember -happy endings still don't bore me- and they don't I believe in happy endings as much as I believe in love, and even though it's hard to find, I know that I'll find it one day, I can feel it in my heart, I know there is someone for everybody, that special person who completes you and who makes you feel like you've never been before him/her. I know I haven't met you yet but whenever that day arrives I'll never let you go. I know I have to keep on believing, keep on waiting but at the end the wait will be worth it, of that I'm sure.

   

Have you ever feel like...?

Have you ever feel like leaving everything behind?

Living doesn’t really seem to fit with you anymore, so you begin to have lots of suicidal ideas, making sure that every single one of those ideas suits your personality, if you were afraid of the water you wouldn’t throw yourself out of a bridge into a river, or if you are afraid of speed you wouldn’t crash your car in the highway, so your mind starts to work in a very creative way, you plan every single detail of your possible anticipated death and just when you have come up with the perfect plan, in that very moment you realize how cowardly your behavior will be, yes you would be the one who stop trying, how lazy of you and how coward to end with your life just because you have had several complications.

Would you be able to forgive yourself after doing that? I mean we all have a purpose in life, was yours to be the one who stopped trying? The one who gave up too soon? The one who didn’t have the guts to cope with his/her problems? You would become the one who would be forgotten first and was that your purpose? To come to the world and die young and be forgotten, almost as if you’ve never come…

Think about it, is it worth it? Would you give up a possible life filled with happiness? Will you? Instead of spending quite a long time planning your death, you could have used your creativity to plan a way to solve some of your problems, don’t you think? Of course whenever we are depressed we don’t think about such things, why would we? Nothing seems to make sense at the moment.

So, I would like to make you a suggestion whenever you’re feeling like the whole world is against you just walk away, go some place you feel better, cry, yes, listen to sad music, be mad at the world, do whatever makes you feel better (except hurting yourself) and then when it is all over and you begin to feel yourself again, do something for yourself, relax, go out with your friends, talk to someone about what’s going on with you (you never know, some good advice may come along), go and hug someone you really care about, give yourself a treat (buy something for you, or have your favourite meal for dinner, buy some chocolates, ice-cream, go to the movies, do something crazy you’ve always wanted to do (it will change your perspective about life), talk to a stranger, make new friends, all of these are just a few of the things you can do, the sky is the limit, let your imagination flow and take over, after doing all of that and more you will start to feel less and less depressed and you will realize that life is what you make of it.

You don't know me, you don't know me at all

Drama, Drama, Drama... Yes sometimes you're life is completely full of drama even though you don't like drama and try your best to avoid it, but somehow it manages to reach you and ever since your life is not the same.

From conflicts, gossips, arguments, assumptions, stares... it's not nice and it's a bit uncomfortable that people think you are a bitch and the worst person in the world just because somebody told them something about you, something that it wasn't true, something that they exaggerate, yes but since those people don't know you that well then they bought it! And you end up being stared and people talk behind your back... all thanks to misunderstandings, to a certain gossip starter and attention caller and pre-judgement, yes that's probably the worst of all because people shouldn't believe what others say about you, if they don't really know you then they should listen to what those have to say and walked away, and not to start judging you and thinking badly about you. 

And there is also the fact that now everybody knows "it", yes that which you supposedly said or did, and it just sucks, people who you haven't even talked before stare at you as if you were the meanest girl in the world. 

I've never cared much about what others say about me, I don't care as long as my friends know who I am, that's more than enough for me, I don't need everybody's approval. But what it is annoying is that someone who doesn't even know what really happened and even worst that person doesn't really knows you, so it's enervating having to listen to that person telling you how wrong you are, and that you should change your behaviour and be nicer with the one "affected". I mean, why do you care? , you don't even know what happen and yes you don't even know me... so stop acting like the saviour of the story.

If you've even been through the same sort of thing you know exactly what I mean, and I'm not trying to make a victim out of me either, that's not the point, it's just that all these sort of complications bother me.

Now I leave you the song which inspired this entry, if you haven't heard of it  you should listen to it, it's pretty awesome, Ben Folds feat Regina Spektor performing You don't know me!

Choices

Life is way too complicated, but you all know that. I am nobody's life is perfect, right? Ok, so I've been thinking about my own issues and how is it that in spite of all the effort I ever do to make things right some times it never seems to work out.

But this time I haven't been making my best to solve things and I think that's bad, I need to have some sort of closure because only with it I'll be able to move on.
Yes, some times all we need to do it's that we constantly avoid. It may seem awkward or perhaps you don't want to do it because you're scared of whatever happen next. And you like it or not, you will influence the result, that last result you have been avoiding, but you need to do it.

Why?

Well because it's insane, you're suffering so very much and you have to stop, you can't keep on living in sadness for ever.

Even when you know it might hurt, you have to try... it's better to know for once and for all than to be waiting and hoping for something to happen... what if nothing ever changes? then what? will you wait for ever? It doesn't make much sense, does it?

So this time I'll listen to my own voice, my own advice... enough time has passed by so far and I need to know, I already did this one time before with another person and yes things didn't end up well but at least I could get over him, it's what i needed the most.

I won't be afraid,  it's as a good friend told me: You have nothing to lose, and she's right, I have nothing to lose but what I can gain could be amazing, even if things don't end well, still I can win, I'll have some peace of mind.
I'll try and hopefully next time you will know if things end up nicely or not :D
Keep your fingers crossed for me ;)

Trapped

Every single day that passes by I wonder why am I in this situation?

I want to get out of this coffin, the bad part is that since there isn't dirt over it, it's harder to set me free.
All over the coffin in which I find myself buried alive are my troubles, both internal and external, with my family, with friends, with the world, with life, with my current sad situation. But not only troubles surround and cover my coffin, no, also my loneliness, people's rejection, people's looking over my head and ignoring me completely, the fact that I'm invisible for others, the fact that I always like the wrong guys, the fact that nobody likes me, the fact that I'll end up alone.
All of these turn into sorrow, depression, sadness, crying and I end up, emotionless, alone, suicidal, mad at the world, mad at God, faith, etc.

And so, little by little as my troubles grow bigger my coffin goes deeper underground, and it's harder to get out, I don't even know if I want to get out any more, I don't think that if I do something will change, will I be happy? Maybe, or maybe not, perhaps I'll end up less depressed but on the same situation, unloved and unwanted.

Why was I created for? I have never found myself to be loved, to be truly appreciated (yes, I do have friends and they do make me happy but unfortunately I can't be with them always and sorrow comes back to take its place instead). Why suffering has to be the most important thing in my life, the most outstanding out of everything else?

Now I feel lifeless and I don't know how to change from a state of sadness and misery to a state of happiness and peace of mind. Perhaps I'm not meant to find out, perhaps I'm a terrible person who deserves all of this pain, my wounds they never heal, and even though my face doesn't show my pain it doesn't mean it isn't there.

Not all that it is in the surface it's what's inside.

Blink 182 and Music which makes you feel good

So I wasn't that inspired today to write the kind of things that you see on this blog on a regular basis, but I have been listening to music quite a lot, and today specially to Blink 182. Probably because their back with a new single and all that stuff, but back in the days hehe they used to play a lot of sarcastic, realistic and fun music and there are many videos that show us how crazy this guys are.
They are awesome and I've always loved their music, the new single is so great check it out Blink 182 - Up All Night

I was a bit depressed and I listen to What's my age again? All the small things and First Date
All the songs sorta lift me up, and I started to feel kinda happy and like if I was having a good time, even though I'm not doing anything which indicates that.

Welll this entry is basically for all of those loners and blue souls out there, if you feel down pick up your i-pod, go to youtube or play a CD of whatever music makes you feel better and enjoy yourself. It may not solve the problems you're going through or change much about your life but hey everybody needs a rest of all that shit sometimes, believe me I know!

Hopefully next time, I'll write something more...  LOL

If you want easy access to those songs, the links are marked in fuchsia

At the bridge

Every single day she crossed the bridge to go home, it was the long way home but she didn't mind walking a little bit more, she loved that bridge, it brings peace to her soul. In that bridge she can admire the beauty of the city, all the city lights, the marvellous buildings, the tall trees, she could think in that bridge but only good things. 

It took her a while to cross it because she always stopped to look below, to hear the water flow, O! That glorious river which awake her soul, the sound of the water made her feel at peace and it made her believe in possibilities, that dreams were possible if you try longer. And so night after night she filled her heart with hopes of a better world, of a better life. 

When she gets home she sees her boyfriend exhausted for the day and they barely even talk, they make love, more like a habit rather than for the passion of it, and when he finishes he turns out the light and she tries to sleep, her boyfriend having been physically satisfied falls asleep like a baby but her she has some trouble to sleep and so she starts thinking about her life, but not with the calm that the bridge provides her, she’s upset with her life, with her relationship, at the end she sleeps tired from the day. In the morning, a kiss wakes her up, suddenly her boyfriend is acting like a loving partner. She turns over to find him and kiss him just to find out why he’s acting in such manner, she feels his erection. That’s why she said to herself, he begins to rub her breasts. She doesn't want to have sex with him, she’s not in the mood so she pushes his hands away and turn over to sleep for while longer, he insists as every man would, she pushed him again, so he leans towards her and whisper in her ear : What’s wrong darling? Don’t you love me? It'll be fun. She’s thinking a lot of things and wondering how exactly he hasn't notice her mood lately and how could he think that she enjoyed last night. But she thinks to herself that it might do some good to her, so she kisses him and grabs his penis, it’s hard and erected, did she do that? And suddenly she begins to feel better about herself because she can make her boyfriend excited. And so they had sex in a very different manner, much more passionate and meaningful. 

They both say goodbye and go to work, on the way she found herself very happy and a bit changed from the rest of the days, and she had a great day at work. At the end of the day, it was time to go back home and she decided to skip her walk on the bridge, she wanted to go home soon to be with her guy. When she arrived home she found her guy with another woman, she was devastated, how could this happen to her? 

Everything seemed to be perfect this morning. He was quite surprised that she was home early. It turns out that every day she crossed the bridge it took her about an hour, a perfect time for him to have an affair with another woman. 

She went to the room and began to pack, it was his flat after all, she called her best friend and stayed with her for a couple of weeks, during that time she went to work regularly, she was lost, how could she ever thought that she was happy? How didn't she notice his cheating on her? It was pointless to keep on thinking about that. 

Two weeks have passed since the incident and it was Sunday, she decided she wanted to spend some time by herself, she went shopping and to museums, she saw her beloved bridge which she haven’t crossed for so long, she decided to cross it, it was windy her hair moved beautifully along with the wind, suddenly she saw her ex-boyfriend’s brother, he waved at her, he keep on walking she stayed on the middle of the bridge, she dropped her bags and stand on the edge, she was quite certain about what she should do next and so she did it, she jumped, it was quite high and she didn't know how to swim. 

The free-fall felt amazing, she was happy for that brief moment, she knew that she didn’t jumped over him, it was because she needed to do it. She hit the water, it was cold and she could feel how the water filled her lungs, she didn't care she was at peace once again. Suddenly she heard someone screamed. 

Fifteen minutes passed by and she found herself out of the river throwing the water out of her lungs, she was 

breathing. She opened up her eyes and there standing nearby and soaking wet was him, he the one who 

cheated on her so easily. 

The first thing that come to her mind was: Who did he think he is to be acting in such heroic manner? Why? Why now? I'm not going to forgive him just because he saved my life, no no no, I must be strong whenever he approaches me. It doesn't matter if he jumped 20 feet out of a bridge just to save me, either way he never crossed that bridge before, why now? 

A few minutes went by and she was alright according to the paramedics, she just needed a rest, he approached her in the way she knew she will, he seemed defeated and repented. He looked at her just as he 

did the very first time he saw her, and she noticed some love in his eyes, he kissed her forehead and drop a little kiss in her nose. Perhaps time will tell whether he has changed or not, either way she was positive, if she 

was saved was for a reason, she was going to make the best out of her life, as to her ex-boyfriend, in time 

and with some insistence on his side they became really good friends.

Now she goes to the bridge, that place where her life changed so drastically, she goes there not only to think 

but to be reminded why and how she happens to be alive.

I am the rain

I am the rain

I am the rain, I am as fragile as those water drops.

I am the rain, I easily fall and break apart

The sun comes out and dries me out  

Nothing remains, I am soon forgotten

I am the rain

I am the rain, everything is either dark or grey

I am the rain, I am cold and unexpected

I am the rain

Sometimes I washed away people hopes and dreams

Some people may like me but their lives are filled with melancholy and sadness whenever I’m around

I am the rain but I can turn into storm

No more you around

It seems like if it was only yesterday when we sit and talk about everything and nothing, it was so amazing how by your presence only I was happy, and smiling, yes you made smile you made me happy, and now… I spend days crying over you, in sadness, wondering what could I have done wrong that now you despise me so.

I will never know, maybe it was just me, you got tired of me, for a while I was interesting but later on it just didn't make sense that you want me, that you care about me. Do I scare people away? The other day I was on the bus and it was so crowded, by the end of the first stop the sit next to me was empty and yet nobody sit with me… what does that means? Do I scare people away? Is my presence alone so unbearable that no one can stand sitting with me on the bus? Not even a stranger… You have no idea how rejected I felt, how lonely and miserable!

Maybe that’s why you stop talking to me, maybe you realized you were wasting your time with someone like me, you realized that it wasn’t worth it, that I was too weird, maybe you had enough of me, the simplicity of my soul makes me boring? Maybe so… Maybe I’m just meant to suffer as I’ve always said and rejection and abandon is all I can expect from those who once liked me, befriended me…

The most difficult part is that I haven’t manage to forget you, it’s not so easy, you meant a lot to me, and now you’re gone, you’ve vanished from my life just like the morning spring evaporates as soon as the sun comes out, and it’s like you’ve never been there, you leave no trace at all, not a visible one because I keep you in my heart, my broken heart, my lonely heart.

And it’s so hard to cope with the pain especially when you know that the other person is not suffering, he has forgotten all about you so easily and so fast, you don’t cross his mind every morning, every single day, he doesn’t have any song which reminds him of you, no he’s alright, he has moved on. It’s almost as if you never existed, he could pass by and not notice you.

It must be my fault, I’m constantly wanting things that aren’t meant for me…

Will I be better in time??? I can’t tell, I’ll try to forget you, it’s useless to carry on with this obsession.