The tide

It's almost the end of the year and in spite of having a good year I still found myself into a big depression which I dare to say though I'm no expert, that it's getting worst. I don't like worrying people so I keep most of it to myself or find myself talking about it with people I don't know, people far away from me, it seems easier that way and it allows me to express myself, to unburden myself which is always good. 

But those who suffer of depression won't let me lie when I say that talking about it, crying, trying to do something different, trying to clear your mind it's just not enough, sometimes the sorrow is bigger than you and you can't control it. 

Today in the afternoon I was at home and I saw that Cast Away was on, so I watch the film, I've always liked it anyway. And the final message of it really caught my eye once more, some thing I always new but I have long forgotten. 

When Chuck Nolan, the role played by Tom Hanks finally leaves his island on the boat he built and get rescued after that, he is telling one of his friend the story when he was on that island. And Chuck said that even that he was very sad for loosing Kelly, Helen Hunt, once more he knew that he had to keep on breathing, keeping himself alive because no one knows what the tide might bring to us one day, something that may helps sail the deep ocean which  is keeping us away from our life and being desolated. 

I know I will never be able to not feel sad or depressed but whenever I feel myself like that again I will remember that line no one knows what the tide might bring to us one day and that's why living is worth it and the wait won't be eternal, we just have to be patient and see that the sun will also shine tomorrow. 

About Unhappiness

Hateful thoughts of unhappiness
Continuous looks of indifference
Perfectly ignored
Rejected as a contagious disease
Misunderstood as a vulture in the open sea
People staring at me
They do not comprehend the complexity of your soul
They do not see how lonely you've become
They do not know how sad does it feel
To be alone,
To be unwanted,
To be unloved...

Every tear
Every nod on your throat
Every realization of what your future will be like
Alone, without someone to hold on to
Without someone being happy to see you
Without someone to hold you
Without someone who will take all your sorrows away...

And night over night over night
You drag yourself to bed, trying to sleep and
While you're lying there thinking
About your day, about your monotonous life
And how it doesn't seem to change
How it's everyday the same
And you try to be strong, optimistic
But you just can't take it any more
It's too much suffering for the uncertainty
Of what may the future bring
Of the life you could have
But you never will...

Tired of waiting for something to happen
Tired of waiting for someone to come
Tired of trying to change what I can't control
Tired of trying to make myself happy and forget about it all
Tired of crying
Of this life
And of being here

What shall the outcome be?
That I cannot tell for sure
But sometimes a tragedy it's what it takes to be free of it all...

Living in a Prison Cell

Nothingness and yourself
Only memories remain
A happy life
You left behind
And now in loneliness
You are found
All alone
Just you and nothing more

If only you haven't done
If only you haven't hurt
If only you have loved

Nothingness and nothing more
Nothingness forever more
You left yourself all alone

Expectations vs Reality

I'm on holidays as everybody else, and without all the amount of duties that being at university implies well I've been having free time, free time to be bored out, free time to hang out, to watch movies, to watch tv series, but especially free time to think. 

I'm a girl so we already do a lot of thinking, as a woman I get to worry about stuff men cannot notice because it's not on their programming, that's why guys are more laid back and relax, right now I wished I wish I could be more relaxed and laid back, it's holidays after all, but no I find myself on my resting days worrying about all the stuff I shouldn't be worry about... the future. 

Yes, the future, my future in particular, it's not like I don't worry about our world and what's going on in it, but I've been worried about my future lately, about what will happen in a few years when I became a graduate student, not only about what I am going to do with my life but also where I will I be living. I've always dream about living elsewhere, a place far away from home, a place where I'll be challenged to fit it, to make new friends, to find a house/department where to live, even to find someone to love, I dare to say. But I'm afraid that my dream might just have to wait a bit more than I've expected, all good things happen to those who waits, right? 

I don't know I'll do my best for accomplish my dreams as soon as possible, but sometimes no matter how hard you try, you just have a hunch that some of those dreams won't come true, and how can you possibly be sure about it? Since you're the main character on your story you can tell by experience what events are more likely to happen and what events are more likely to stay as dreams and nothing more.

All of that sounds a bit cruel and perhaps not encouraging. But with all of what's being said I'm not telling you that you shouldn't follow your dreams, all that I'm saying is that perhaps you need to analyse, to think thoroughly and  if something sounds a bit too wild or a bit too impossible to reconsider that option, maybe change that idea a bit in order to fulfil that dream because after all there is a big difference between expectations and reality, always follow your heart, always believe in yourself, never give up, keep on fighting and you shall accomplish all that you've been dreaming for. 

I believe that the best advice I can give you is: don't let your thoughts ruin your holidays, maybe it's time to let go of the past and to move on, to expect new things and not to be afraid of the new things that may come with the new year is about to start. Life is full of surprises after all, you never know what it may bring. 

One touch, one smile

Life is define by small pieces of happiness,
little moments
insignificant for some
treasured by others

a single touch
a gentle caress
a long hand grip
and what is the outcome
a happy day
a smile upon your face
happiness all over the place

nothing can't take this moment disappear
nothing can't make you forget
nothing can't remove those thoughts on your head

happiness make its way through
your heart will never be the same
your emotions cannot be contained
your smile cannot be taken away
happiness remains
it may be just for a day
or a couple of hours
it doesn't matter how much does it last
feeling that all is possible
even if it's for a little while
it's worth it