The tide

It's almost the end of the year and in spite of having a good year I still found myself into a big depression which I dare to say though I'm no expert, that it's getting worst. I don't like worrying people so I keep most of it to myself or find myself talking about it with people I don't know, people far away from me, it seems easier that way and it allows me to express myself, to unburden myself which is always good. 

But those who suffer of depression won't let me lie when I say that talking about it, crying, trying to do something different, trying to clear your mind it's just not enough, sometimes the sorrow is bigger than you and you can't control it. 

Today in the afternoon I was at home and I saw that Cast Away was on, so I watch the film, I've always liked it anyway. And the final message of it really caught my eye once more, some thing I always new but I have long forgotten. 

When Chuck Nolan, the role played by Tom Hanks finally leaves his island on the boat he built and get rescued after that, he is telling one of his friend the story when he was on that island. And Chuck said that even that he was very sad for loosing Kelly, Helen Hunt, once more he knew that he had to keep on breathing, keeping himself alive because no one knows what the tide might bring to us one day, something that may helps sail the deep ocean which  is keeping us away from our life and being desolated. 

I know I will never be able to not feel sad or depressed but whenever I feel myself like that again I will remember that line no one knows what the tide might bring to us one day and that's why living is worth it and the wait won't be eternal, we just have to be patient and see that the sun will also shine tomorrow. 

Have you ever feel like...?

Have you ever feel like leaving everything behind?

Living doesn’t really seem to fit with you anymore, so you begin to have lots of suicidal ideas, making sure that every single one of those ideas suits your personality, if you were afraid of the water you wouldn’t throw yourself out of a bridge into a river, or if you are afraid of speed you wouldn’t crash your car in the highway, so your mind starts to work in a very creative way, you plan every single detail of your possible anticipated death and just when you have come up with the perfect plan, in that very moment you realize how cowardly your behavior will be, yes you would be the one who stop trying, how lazy of you and how coward to end with your life just because you have had several complications.

Would you be able to forgive yourself after doing that? I mean we all have a purpose in life, was yours to be the one who stopped trying? The one who gave up too soon? The one who didn’t have the guts to cope with his/her problems? You would become the one who would be forgotten first and was that your purpose? To come to the world and die young and be forgotten, almost as if you’ve never come…

Think about it, is it worth it? Would you give up a possible life filled with happiness? Will you? Instead of spending quite a long time planning your death, you could have used your creativity to plan a way to solve some of your problems, don’t you think? Of course whenever we are depressed we don’t think about such things, why would we? Nothing seems to make sense at the moment.

So, I would like to make you a suggestion whenever you’re feeling like the whole world is against you just walk away, go some place you feel better, cry, yes, listen to sad music, be mad at the world, do whatever makes you feel better (except hurting yourself) and then when it is all over and you begin to feel yourself again, do something for yourself, relax, go out with your friends, talk to someone about what’s going on with you (you never know, some good advice may come along), go and hug someone you really care about, give yourself a treat (buy something for you, or have your favourite meal for dinner, buy some chocolates, ice-cream, go to the movies, do something crazy you’ve always wanted to do (it will change your perspective about life), talk to a stranger, make new friends, all of these are just a few of the things you can do, the sky is the limit, let your imagination flow and take over, after doing all of that and more you will start to feel less and less depressed and you will realize that life is what you make of it.

Trapped

Every single day that passes by I wonder why am I in this situation?

I want to get out of this coffin, the bad part is that since there isn't dirt over it, it's harder to set me free.
All over the coffin in which I find myself buried alive are my troubles, both internal and external, with my family, with friends, with the world, with life, with my current sad situation. But not only troubles surround and cover my coffin, no, also my loneliness, people's rejection, people's looking over my head and ignoring me completely, the fact that I'm invisible for others, the fact that I always like the wrong guys, the fact that nobody likes me, the fact that I'll end up alone.
All of these turn into sorrow, depression, sadness, crying and I end up, emotionless, alone, suicidal, mad at the world, mad at God, faith, etc.

And so, little by little as my troubles grow bigger my coffin goes deeper underground, and it's harder to get out, I don't even know if I want to get out any more, I don't think that if I do something will change, will I be happy? Maybe, or maybe not, perhaps I'll end up less depressed but on the same situation, unloved and unwanted.

Why was I created for? I have never found myself to be loved, to be truly appreciated (yes, I do have friends and they do make me happy but unfortunately I can't be with them always and sorrow comes back to take its place instead). Why suffering has to be the most important thing in my life, the most outstanding out of everything else?

Now I feel lifeless and I don't know how to change from a state of sadness and misery to a state of happiness and peace of mind. Perhaps I'm not meant to find out, perhaps I'm a terrible person who deserves all of this pain, my wounds they never heal, and even though my face doesn't show my pain it doesn't mean it isn't there.

Not all that it is in the surface it's what's inside.

Blink 182 and Music which makes you feel good

So I wasn't that inspired today to write the kind of things that you see on this blog on a regular basis, but I have been listening to music quite a lot, and today specially to Blink 182. Probably because their back with a new single and all that stuff, but back in the days hehe they used to play a lot of sarcastic, realistic and fun music and there are many videos that show us how crazy this guys are.
They are awesome and I've always loved their music, the new single is so great check it out Blink 182 - Up All Night

I was a bit depressed and I listen to What's my age again? All the small things and First Date
All the songs sorta lift me up, and I started to feel kinda happy and like if I was having a good time, even though I'm not doing anything which indicates that.

Welll this entry is basically for all of those loners and blue souls out there, if you feel down pick up your i-pod, go to youtube or play a CD of whatever music makes you feel better and enjoy yourself. It may not solve the problems you're going through or change much about your life but hey everybody needs a rest of all that shit sometimes, believe me I know!

Hopefully next time, I'll write something more...  LOL

If you want easy access to those songs, the links are marked in fuchsia

Je vais bien, ne t'en fais pas! (I'm alright, don't worry)

This is a French expression but also it's the title of a French film, a sort of depressing one which I love (probably because I'm a depressive girl too, and also because I understand exactly and can relate to what's going on with the girl). Anyway, I haven't been feeling that depressed since a while ago, but it has just came back... Why? 

Well that's what happens to me, maybe because I'm not happy, maybe because I want things I'll never have but I'm so stubborn and much of a dreamer to give up and set my mind to it, I'm too much of a dreamer to accept reality, even when being a dreamer it hurts so much, even much than being realistic (because at least when you have accepted reality, you know what to expect and you're not waiting for something great to happen to you, something you know it's impossible in your world).

I don't know what to do to change the way that I feel, sometimes I feel better for a while but it doesn't last long enough, but well what I can do now it's write about it, that's why I share this lines with you, thanks for all of those who read it.

If you've got the chance watch the movie, but if you are in the same depressive mood as I am, maybe you should think about the feelings this movie might awake in your soul (you have been warned).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0FLwIp8FLo  

I leave with you the trailer in case you feel curious about the film.